Are you having constant fights in your marriage? I’ll never forget reading an interview in Oprah magazine with Jerry Seinfeld. He said that one of his ground rules in an argument with his wife is that they both have to stay in the room until they work their differences out.
“In fact,” he continues, “I said this to my wife the other day: ‘I understand that you’re so upset that you just want to walk away. But, you know, I don’t care that it’s hard. You stay in the room until you feel better. Then you can leave.’”
Almost every day at Asheville Family Counseling we encounter parents who are desperately seeking answers for how to help their angry child.
Families come to counseling thinking they know what the problem is. They think it’s a young child prone to tantrums or a teenager defying the rules. However, they’re almost always wrong. They’re wrong because they think that the problem is a single individual’s behavior.
Help for Your Angry Child
It usually seems that way: in counseling we call this person with the problematic behavior the “identified patient.” It’s almost never the case, however, that the problem lies with the person identified. The problem is actually the family system.
“Family system” sounds like a complex concept—and figuring out how it works, and how it’s affecting family members is complicated. But put simply, the family system is the way that the actions and reactions of the members of a family provoke actions and reactions among the other members. And this all happens usually without the members being aware of what’s going on.
If you see the family as a system, then it’s easy to understand why the “patient” is a red herring for anyone trying to figure out what’s really going on. The truth is that the “identified patient” is actually just a lightning rod that focuses all of the negative energy in the family system.
The Real Root of the Problem
When a child is identified as the problem, we overlook how they’re acting within the context of the negative interactions among the members in the family. And where a child is concerned, the root of the negativity is usually the family’s inability to see where the child’s behavior is coming from. It’s coming from their neurological, social, and emotional development.
The therapist is also there to challenge the family’s certainty about the problem. They’ll ask questions designed to introduce doubt, encourage curiosity, present alternatives, and, above all, offer hope. The problem can now be viewed from a wider lens, instead of the zoomed-in focus that the family members involved can have trouble stepping away from.
It’s understandable that family members are fixed in their thinking about the problem because they have practiced their ways of relating with each other throughout their lives. Resistance to the therapist’s suggestions is natural and understandable, and often strong. Nonetheless, challenging the certainty is necessary and worthwhile. And it’s where the solution lies.
Each Family Is Unique
Each family is unique. The Russian writer Tolstoy said it best, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” That’s why a counselor needs to look at each situation without preconceptions—and encourage the family to do so as well.
For example, the counselor may challenge a repetitive dysfunctional interaction that always ends in a stalemate. For example, when a parent tells a teenager to do something and the teenager storms off with a “You’re not the boss of me!” attitude. The challenge to look at this dynamic with fresh eyes is difficult for the family to accept. But the counselor can facilitate the acceptance by offering a combined message of support and challenge.
All Behavior is Meaningful
At Asheville Family Counseling, we offer a new context to understand a child’s behavioral challenges. And a roadmap for making decisions based on a child’s unique neurological, social, and emotional development. We believe all behavior is meaningful. We’ve found that consistent challenging behaviors are not caused by willful intent to defy or manipulate. (Yes, this is true even with teenagers.)
Many professionals believe that problematic behaviors represent a child’s efforts to get something or to get out of something. Too often we assume that what a child or teen needs is better behavioral management, more consistent discipline, or better medication.
Current neuroscience, however, reveals a more complex reality. As it turns out, many problematic behaviors reflect how the child’s brain and body perceive and respond to stress.
Our approach moves away from blaming the child or the parents for the problems they’re experiencing. Again, it starts with curiosity: What is this problem really telling us? You see, many behaviors represent the body’s response to stress, not intentional misbehavior. When we see a behavior that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask isn’t, “How do we get rid of it?” but rather, “What is this behavior telling us about the child?”
Help for Your Angry Child Starts Here
Usually it’s telling us that they are struggling to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. The bottom line is that understanding the child’s individual differences helps us tailor our relational and therapeutic approaches for each family – with increased love, harmony, connection, and joy as a result.
Special thanks to Mona Delahooke and her book Beyond Behaviors and Salvador Minuchin and his
book The Craft of Family Therapy for
informing my approach.
We encourage you to schedule a free, 15-minute call to see how working with us may help you and your family. Please call or text (828) 761-3149 or click the button below to schedule online.
Often children do not have the words or intellectual understanding to gain insight into their challenges, or to find the solutions for them. (Of course, this is also true for many adults!)
At Asheville Family Counseling, sand tray therapy provides an opportunity for the child to represent in images what is happening in their inner and/or outer world. The images become a language through which they can communicate unconscious material to the counselor and to her/himself, resulting in greater understanding, healing, and creative problem solving.
Like art therapy (which I also offer), sand tray therapy allows the child to create aspects of their issues with symbolic objects. What’s more, a child can move the objects and change their scene at any moment. This process of play helps the child move from feeling powerless to powerful. Our whole culture seems designed to make kids feel small and insignificant. Through sand tray therapy the child’s path to inner courage and resiliency is revealed!
How is Sand Tray Therapy introduced?
When I introduce sand tray therapy, I let the child know that they can make anything in the sand they wish. It’s important they understand that there’s no right or wrong way to play in the sand. They may ask me to participate and then I follow their lead. However, I don’t direct or correct anything. (Parents may also be present for the session, and I ask them to follow their child’s lead as well.)
For example, sometimes kids want me to be “the bad guy.” We just go with whatever they want, and we don’t feel compelled to find a resolution to the conflict. The play therapy develops as we hold and honor their creations just the way they are.
After a child has completed their world (generally 10 minutes of set-up and about 20 minutes of play), I’ll ask them to be my guide and tell me all about their world and what is going on there.
With a young child, I often use a puppet named “Trip” (for his three eyes!) that looks like an alien. I pretend that they are a friendly visitor from another planet. Therefore they know nothing about the child’s way of life so that s/he will need to explain everything. Most kids enjoy pretending like this, but if they don’t like it I’ll find other ways to connect with them and their world.
How much time does a Sand Tray Therapy session take?
A 50-minute session should be plenty of time for the child to create their world and talk about it. If they say they need longer, I suggest we take a photo of the scene and say we can pick it back up where we left off the next time. This has always helped. (Incidentally, I ask permission from all my clients to take photos throughout the session so that we can refer back to them as needed.)
How can a parent introduce Sand Tray Therapy to their child?
As for how to present this to your child, I recommend a very open and honest approach. A few days before the session you could say, “Hey, remember when (an upsetting incident happened) and you got upset?” (You can explore this event more or not.)
“I didn’t really know how to help you through that, so I called a lady who works with families. She helps make sure everyone is getting what they need when they’re upset. We go to her office and play with something called a sand tray (like a sandbox on a table). She also has lots of miniature figures and you create a mini ‘(insert name of child)’ world. She says kids have a lot of fun with it. Does this sound like something you’d like to do?”
Of course, if they say no, we can definitely explore other options. Sometimes it helps to express it more as a thing they could do to help you. Using the above example, you could make it explicit that you want to get more support for helping them when they get upset. You could say something like, “We could go and play together and I’ll learn how to help you better when you get upset. Would you be willing to help me with that?”
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how sand tray therapy may help your child and/or your family.
How to Create Courageous Love in All Your Important Relationships
How to Create Courageous Love
In this video Stacey Curnow, licensed clinical mental health counselor and director of Asheville Family Counseling, shows you how to create courageous love in all your important relationships.
Using Brain Science, Attachment Theory, and NVC
She presents brain science, universal human needs, and attachment theory. In addition, she also includes and introduction to non-violent communication (NVC), self-compassion, and self-leadership. No matter what your circumstances – if you’re experiencing any kind of persistent conflict, alienation, loss, trauma, depression, grief – this information will help you make sense of your life experiences and enjoy more happiness and connection.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how counseling may help you and/or your family.
