Almost every day at Asheville Family Counseling we encounter parents who are desperately seeking answers for how to help their angry child.
Families come to counseling thinking they know what the problem is. They think it’s a young child prone to tantrums or a teenager defying the rules. However, they’re almost always wrong. They’re wrong because they think that the problem is a single individual’s behavior.
Help for Your Angry Child
It usually seems that way: in counseling we call this person with the problematic behavior the “identified patient.” It’s almost never the case, however, that the problem lies with the person identified. The problem is actually the family system.
“Family system” sounds like a complex concept—and figuring out how it works, and how it’s affecting family members is complicated. But put simply, the family system is the way that the actions and reactions of the members of a family provoke actions and reactions among the other members. And this all happens usually without the members being aware of what’s going on.
If you see the family as a system, then it’s easy to understand why the “patient” is a red herring for anyone trying to figure out what’s really going on. The truth is that the “identified patient” is actually just a lightning rod that focuses all of the negative energy in the family system.
The Real Root of the Problem
When a child is identified as the problem, we overlook how they’re acting within the context of the negative interactions among the members in the family. And where a child is concerned, the root of the negativity is usually the family’s inability to see where the child’s behavior is coming from. It’s coming from their neurological, social, and emotional development.
My job as a family counselor, therefore, is to help the family members look at their situation differently so that they become more open to new ways of being with one another. I approach the family system with no agenda beyond a desire to learn. This is a good thing because certainty hasn’t helped the problem, has it?
Challenging Certainty is Key
The therapist is also there to challenge the family’s certainty about the problem. They’ll ask questions designed to introduce doubt, encourage curiosity, present alternatives, and, above all, offer hope. The problem can now be viewed from a wider lens, instead of the zoomed-in focus that the family members involved can have trouble stepping away from.
It’s understandable that family members are fixed in their thinking about the problem because they have practiced their ways of relating with each other throughout their lives. Resistance to the therapist’s suggestions is natural and understandable, and often strong. Nonetheless, challenging the certainty is necessary and worthwhile. And it’s where the solution lies.
Each Family Is Unique
Each family is unique. The Russian writer Tolstoy said it best, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” That’s why a counselor needs to look at each situation without preconceptions—and encourage the family to do so as well.
For example, the counselor may challenge a repetitive dysfunctional interaction that always ends in a stalemate. For example, when a parent tells a teenager to do something and the teenager storms off with a “You’re not the boss of me!” attitude. The challenge to look at this dynamic with fresh eyes is difficult for the family to accept. But the counselor can facilitate the acceptance by offering a combined message of support and challenge.
All Behavior is Meaningful
At Asheville Family Counseling, we offer a new context to understand a child’s behavioral challenges. And a roadmap for making decisions based on a child’s unique neurological, social, and emotional development. We believe all behavior is meaningful. We’ve found that consistent challenging behaviors are not caused by willful intent to defy or manipulate. (Yes, this is true even with teenagers.)
Many professionals believe that problematic behaviors represent a child’s efforts to get something or to get out of something. Too often we assume that what a child or teen needs is better behavioral management, more consistent discipline, or better medication.
Current neuroscience, however, reveals a more complex reality. As it turns out, many problematic behaviors reflect how the child’s brain and body perceive and respond to stress.
Our approach moves away from blaming the child or the parents for the problems they’re experiencing. Again, it starts with curiosity: What is this problem really telling us? You see, many behaviors represent the body’s response to stress, not intentional misbehavior. When we see a behavior that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask isn’t, “How do we get rid of it?” but rather, “What is this behavior telling us about the child?”
Help for Your Angry Child Starts Here
Usually it’s telling us that they are struggling to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. The bottom line is that understanding the child’s individual differences helps us tailor our relational and therapeutic approaches for each family – with increased love, harmony, connection, and joy as a result.
Special thanks to Mona Delahooke and her book Beyond Behaviors and Salvador Minuchin and his book The Craft of Family Therapy for informing my approach.
We encourage you to schedule a free, 15-minute call to see how working with us may help you and your family. Please call or text (828) 761-3149 or click the button below to schedule online.
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