In our shared journey of cultivating deeper, more soul-nourishing relationships, we often find ourselves feeling uncertain and stuck. Yet, it’s within these liminal spaces that we have a fantastic opportunity to access our inner wellspring of strength and wisdom, guided by the principles of the Fresh Start Effect.
The Power of the Fresh Start Effect
The Fresh Start Effect, a fascinating psychological phenomenon, invites us to embrace the transformative power of temporal landmarks such as the dawn of a new day, week, or year. Studies have shown that we’re primed to set intentions and embark on journeys of self-discovery and growth during these periods. We all know this to be true around the “new year,” but these moments can serve as potent catalysts even on a daily basis.
Seizing Fresh Start Moments
Each new day offers us the opportunity to awaken to fresh possibilities and deepen our bonds. By shifting our gaze, even just a fraction, we empower ourselves to take intentional steps towards expansion and understanding. Fresh start moments invite us to release the burdens of the past and step into the radiant potential of the present moment. By honoring the significance of these moments, we open ourselves to the transformative alchemy of growth and renewal, weaving the threads of our relationships with intention and compassion.
Utilizing AFNA for Deeper Connection
AFNA—Appreciation, Feelings, Needs, and Apologies/Amends—is a great tool for nurturing empathy and connection in our relationships. I encourage all of my clients to utilize AFNA as a “process commitment” – a daily commitment to show up for the important people in their lives by sharing the following:
Appreciation: The practice of gratitude is a beautiful offering of acknowledgment and reverence. By beginning each day with a heartfelt expression of appreciation for our beloved, we create a sanctuary of love and appreciation, softening the edges of past grievances and infusing our day with the radiance of love.
Feelings: Sharing our emotions authentically and vulnerably is an act of intimacy and communion. Within the sacred container of AFNA, these moments become portals of transformation and connection.
Needs: Articulating our needs with clarity and compassion is an act of self-honoring and mutual respect. Within the circle of AFNA, these moments become portals of empowerment and support, inviting us to voice our needs with courage and grace.
Apologies/Amends: Embracing accountability and compassion within AFNA is an act of healing and reconciliation.
Embrace Growth and Connection
Let’s remember that each moment presents an opportunity for growth and connection. By embracing the Fresh Start Effect alongside AFNA, we can create the relationships we yearn for, one mindful moment at a time.
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If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call. We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to overlook the simple joys and blessings that surround us. Yet, taking a moment to cultivate gratitude can be a game-changer for our overall well-being. Let’s explore how embracing gratitude can lead to a happier and more fulfilling life.
The Science Behind Gratitude
Gratitude isn’t just a feel-good sentiment; it’s backed by science. Research suggests that regularly practicing gratitude can lead to increased positive emotions and a deeper sense of satisfaction with life. One remarkable study, which I discuss in my book Repair Your Relationships, conducted by Martin Seligman and his team at the University of Pennsylvania, sheds light on the profound effects of gratitude on both givers and recipients.
The Gratitude Visit
Seligman’s study introduced the concept of a “gratitude visit,” where participants wrote heartfelt letters of gratitude to someone who had positively impacted their lives. The results were astounding: not only did the recipients feel deeply touched, but the givers also experienced a significant boost in happiness that lasted over a month. This highlights the transformative power of expressing gratitude to others.
Distinguishing Gratitude from Toxic Positivity
It’s crucial to understand that gratitude is not about denying or suppressing negative emotions. Instead, it’s about acknowledging life’s challenges while finding moments of joy and appreciation amidst them. Toxic positivity, on the other hand, involves pretending that everything is perfect, which can be harmful to our mental well-being.
Incorporating Gratitude into Daily Life
Starting a gratitude practice doesn’t have to be daunting. Begin with small steps, such as jotting down one thing you’re thankful for each day. Whether it’s the aroma of your morning coffee or a heartfelt conversation with a loved one, these simple moments can cultivate a greater sense of gratitude.
Practicing Mindfulness
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for experiencing gratitude. By being present and attentive to the present moment, we can better notice and appreciate the small wonders of life. Pay attention to the sights, sounds, and sensations around you, allowing gratitude to naturally arise.
A Year of Paying Attention Journal
To support you in your gratitude practice, I’ve created a special tool – A Year of Paying Attention journal. This journal provides daily space for you to capture your moments of gratitude and reflection. It encourages you to deepen your connection with yourself, others, and the world around you. Each day presents an opportunity to pause, reflect, and cultivate gratitude in your life.
Reflection Questions
If you’re struggling to identify things to be grateful for, ask yourself some guiding questions. What brought a smile to my face today? What small joy did I encounter? These prompts can help shift your focus towards the positives, making gratitude a more integral part of your daily routine.
In a world filled with challenges and uncertainties, cultivating gratitude can be a beacon of light. By acknowledging and appreciating the blessings in our lives, we can unlock a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment. So, let’s embrace gratitude wholeheartedly and watch as it transforms our lives for the better.
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If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call. We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern among my clients – they frequently seek help to change their loved ones. So, it’s not surprising that my number one suggestion to accept and love their partners or children for who they are – radical acceptance – is often met with resistance.
The Crucial Distinction: Wanting Change vs. Necessity of Change
Through countless experiences with clients, I’ve come to realize a crucial distinction: wanting something to change doesn’t necessarily mean it should change. True transformation cannot stem from perceiving flaws within ourselves or our loved ones. Instead, it blossoms from mindfulness and genuine concern for all parties involved.
Resolving Conflict: Recognizing Signals for Growth
Conflicts within relationships often serve as signals of underlying issues obstructing genuine connection. By acknowledging and addressing these barriers, we open the door to improved communication and stronger bonds.
Unconditional Love vs. Control
It’s essential to grasp the difference between love and control. Love, in its truest form, is unconditional acceptance. However, this doesn’t equate to tolerating mistreatment. You have choices – to leave the relationship or embark on a journey of mutual growth and understanding.
Co-Creation in Growth: No Experts, Just Participants
No one holds absolute expertise in relationships – not even an adult parent in relation to their child. Both parties are engaged in a co-creative process that can lead to mutual growth and increased connection, or persistent suffering for both individuals.
Foundation for Connection: Embracing Acceptance
The path to authentic connection begins with acceptance – accepting our loved ones for who they are and embracing ourselves with all our imperfections. This shift relinquishes the need for control and fosters resilience in the face of challenges.
The Transformative Journey: Unlocking Authentic Connection
Embracing acceptance is transformative, both for ourselves and our relationships. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to challenge ingrained beliefs. Yet, through this journey, we unlock the door to authentic connection, profound transformation, and a life filled with love and purpose.
Empowering Change: Consider the Counseling Intensive
If you’re seeking transformative change in your relationships, I encourage you to consider the Counseling Intensive I offer. Through exploration of behavior and mindset, this program empowers individuals to show up differently and pave the way for authentic connection and growth.
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If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call. We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
In the realm of relationships, conflicts are akin to pebbles cast into a pond. They break the surface and send ripples outward, much like triggering past experiences we might not consciously remember. These ripples, deeply ingrained in our psyche, have the potential to stir up significant waves even in the most stable partnerships. Yet, within this turbulence lies an opportunity for profound growth and healing.
Embarking on a Journey
Recently, during a Couples Counseling Intensive with Sean and Amelia (aliases used for confidentiality), we embarked on an enlightening journey, delving into the complex interplay between current interactions and past wounds, much like navigating the waves stirred by the pebbles in a pond.
Utilizing Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Before I go further, let me clarify that my Couples Intensive offers a combination of individual and couples sessions. During the individual sessions, I utilize the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework to unravel the tangled web of emotions surrounding a painful event.
To give a very brief introduction, IFS conceptualizes the psyche as a complex system comprised of various sub-personalities or “Parts,” each with its own unique traits, emotions, and motivations. These Parts are broadly categorized into Protectors and Exiles.
The IFS approach emphasizes compassionate curiosity towards both Protectors and Exiles. Through inner dialogue, guided meditation, and other therapeutic techniques, individuals can develop a deeper understanding of their internal system. By fostering healing, integration, and wholeness within this complex system, individuals can create a profound inner transformation, ultimately fostering greater harmony, connection, and well-being in all areas of their lives.
Sean and Amelia’s Journey
Now, getting back to Sean, about 30 minutes into our individual session, as I was guiding him into a deep meditation where he was meeting some of his youngest Exiles, Amelia walked into the great room.
Sean found Amelia’s unexpected presence disruptive, and he struggled to maintain his focus. Yet, through our work, Sean was able to confront his Angry Protectors that came online at that moment and address their frustration. Thus he enabled them to relax so that he could go back to his mediation with this young Exile. Afterward, he expressed that he found this process incredibly powerful.
The next day, before we began our individual session and deep meditation, Sean thought to put a sign on the door that said “Do Not Disturb,” recognizing that he would need to take extra precaution to achieve the desired level of calm needed to help his Protectors relax and his Exiles resurface.
As we delved deep into our meditative exploration, encountering other young exiles that had felt shock and betrayal of abandonment, Amelia entered the room. Her unintentional intrusion once again shattered the fragile equilibrium Sean and I had created.
But this time, Sean was unable to continue, and he ended the session. His Angry Protector announced, “I’m done talking. I’m not doing this anymore.” And he walked away.
I was then left alone with Amelia, who was visibly shaken by Sean’s intense reaction. Her Protectors were quick to defend her actions, recalling instances over the last two days where Sean had inadvertently appeared in the background of her own individual sessions, disrupting her concentration, but not triggering her Angry Protectors.
I gently told Amelia that interruptions aren’t a trigger for her like they are for Sean. She quickly grasped this concept, but I also recognized the need for increased empathy and understanding. I shared a personal anecdote with her – a journey of grappling with my own triggers that ultimately led to profound self-discovery and healing.
Personal Journey
“My story begins with a door slam,” I began. Reflecting on more than thirty years of marriage, I recalled a recurring source of conflict between my husband and me – his habit of closing doors with a forceful slam, a seemingly innocuous action that stirs deep-seated emotions within me. (It’s worth noting that door slams are not a trigger for Doug; I could probably slam doors all day, and he wouldn’t even notice.)
For many, many years, I would often say in a raised voice and sometimes even screaming at Doug, “Stop slamming the door!” Despite his apologies and attempts to change, the pattern persisted, leaving me feeling enraged and as if my needs were being ignored and even willfully sabotaged.
It was through the practice of IFS that I began to unravel the tangled web of emotions surrounding this trigger. With curiosity and compassion, I delved into the underlying source of my distress, uncovering a seven-year-old version of myself awakened in the night by her parents screaming at each other and slamming doors.
As I revisited the painful memories of my parents’ turbulent arguments and the palpable fear that gripped me as a child, I realized the profound impact of those experiences on my present-day reactions. Through gentle reassurance and compassion, I learned to soothe that terrified little girl within me, offering the love and security she desperately craved.
So now when my husband slams the door and my Angry Protectors come online, I can ask them to relax. I can go to the little girl still on her bed, still scared, still feeling confused, abandoned, and alone. And I reassure her. I let her know she’s safe. I tell her I love her. I’m here for her. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not going to let anything bad happen to her.
Through this process of inner exploration and healing, I discovered a newfound sense of peace and equanimity – even in the face of conflict. While the door slam remains a trigger, I’ve learned to respond to it differently, recognizing that it’s not an actual threat but rather a simple reminder of past wounds.
It’s a chance for me to react in a new manner that facilitates healing. It doesn’t mean that the people around me should avoid touching the wound altogether. Rather, when the wound is prodded, it serves as an invitation to do more healing. I’ve even reached a point where I welcome the door slam, or any trigger, that activates my Protectors. I now see the Protectors as, in IFS terms, the “trailheads,” guiding me to deeper healing.
Proposal for Growth
Sean did return for our couples session, and after sharing my story with him, I proposed, “In a time of conflict, let’s learn to focus on your Angry Protectors, redirecting their anger away from Amelia. When triggered, let’s learn to turn inward to soothe these parts instead. This approach will lead to genuine peace, harmony, and a deeper love for Amelia. Rather than resenting her for activating your triggers, you’ll learn to thank her for giving you the opportunity to work with your Angry Protectors and your scared, vulnerable parts.”
Reflection
Now, you might be wondering why Amelia couldn’t simply avoid entering the room or why my husband couldn’t just refrain from slamming doors. Please take a moment to consider how well you understand and are able to avoid your loved one’s triggers.
As an exercise in mindfulness, try to count the number of times you feel fully present when walking through a doorway or getting up from a seated position. Try saying to yourself, “Walking through the doorway now” or “Getting up from my seat now.”
You’ll likely find it very challenging to maintain this level of awareness consistently—I know I do. So, when you feel someone’s actions are thoughtless or deliberately sabotaging your peace of mind, remember that it’s often just a lack of mindfulness.
Conclusion
Mindfulness is a skill that can be developed. While it’s reasonable to request mindfulness from our partners regarding our triggers, it’s crucial to understand that enhancing our own mindfulness is paramount. Unlike the actions of others, which are largely beyond our control, our level of mindfulness—our capacity to respond to our triggers with curiosity and compassion—is mostly within our control.
What I’m emphasizing is that achieving the outcome we genuinely desire, which includes experiencing peace of mind and fostering a more loving and harmonious relationship with our beloveds, is more attainable when we focus on learning how to respond to triggers differently. This involves working with our angry protectors and frightened young exiles, rather than expecting our beloveds to stop triggering us altogether.
While it might seem ideal if my husband never slammed the door again, I’ve come to accept that the door slam is now just a trigger and not a threat. I’ve learned how to respond to it differently, and it’s no longer perceived as a genuine threat. As a result, I’ve found much greater happiness and peace of mind, and increased love, harmony, and joy in my relationship with Doug.
Let me make this clear: reaching this state of freedom and equanimity in the face of triggers has been a lengthy journey. But I assure you, if you can maintain an open mind, it will serve as the fertile ground where we sow the seed of this concept – the notion of working with our triggers, protectors, and vulnerable parts.
Just as a delicate seed finds its home in fertile soil, I hope this idea will also find its place within you, taking root and blossoming as it has for me. With patience, compassion, and unwavering dedication to self-discovery, let’s continue nurturing the seeds of healing and growth within ourselves, cultivating a garden of profound inner peace and enduring harmony and joy in our most important relationships.
