I recently attended a conference on raising children in the digital age. The speakers represented a remarkably wide range of perspectives. Some advocated strongly for delaying smartphone use and banning phones in schools, while others questioned whether universal bans are effective, realistic, or responsive to the needs of individual children.
As a parent, clinician, and someone who works closely with neurodivergent children and families, I appreciated the complexity of the conversation. It would be comforting, in some ways, to identify one clear cause of the youth mental health crisis. We could blame the phones, remove them, and believe our children would be okay.
But children’s lives, and children themselves, aren’t that simple.
The Rest of the Ecosystem
One of the most compelling speakers was Dr. Ross Greene, psychologist and creator of the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model. Dr. Greene cautioned that when we become all-focused on the negative impact of smart phones and social media, we risk missing everything else in the ecosystem of being a child in today’s society.
He pointed out that the research connecting phones and social media to the youth mental health crisis is less conclusive than many popular headlines suggest. Technology is one factor, and it may be a significant factor for some children. But it’s far from the only one.
Dr. Greene invited us to consider the many ways childhood has changed over the past three decades. More than 400 school shootings have occurred since Columbine in 1999. More than half of children, he noted, experience anxiety about being shot at school, and many teachers carry that fear too.
Think about what that means. Children practice hiding in closets, learn where to barricade classroom doors, and hear stories about children their own age being killed in places that are supposed to be safe. They also absorb the fear of their parents, teachers, and communities.
And then we wonder why they’re anxious. A colleague of mine recently shared a slide from a trauma conference that compared shooting deaths across nations. The central takeaway was how extraordinarily violent our society is, and how easy it can be to normalize that violence because we live inside it. We can’t meaningfully discuss children’s mental health without acknowledging the fear, anxiety, grief, and loss of safety that come with growing up in the violent culture of the United States.
It Isn’t Only Violence
Dr. Greene also named other changes that make it harder to be a child. High-stakes testing has placed enormous pressure on children and educators. Instead of recognizing developmental variability and meeting each child where they are, schools are often required to push every child toward the same line at the same time.
Zero-tolerance discipline policies have also replaced curiosity and relationships with increasingly rigid consequences. Many children have less freedom to move through their neighborhoods, gather in public places, take reasonable risks, and solve problems independently. Their lives are often tightly scheduled and closely monitored.
Some of the communities and institutions that once gave families a regular sense of connection, shared meaning, guidance, ritual, and belonging have also weakened or disappeared. For many families, religious communities once served that role, though they weren’t safe or supportive for everyone. The larger point is that many children now have fewer consistent places where they feel known, connected, and part of something bigger than themselves. Children are also negatively impacted by poverty, racism, family conflict, academic struggles, bullying, disability, trauma, or isolation. Many live with the chronic experience of being misunderstood.
Dr. Mizuko “Mimi” Ito, a cultural anthropologist on the panel, offered another helpful way of understanding technology’s role. She described digital technology as more of a mediator and amplifier of existing social and cultural dynamics than a single independent cause. In other words, phones and social media don’t create every problem from scratch, but they can intensify what’s already happening in a child’s relationships, community, and wider world.
Social media exists within this larger ecosystem. It can amplify comparison, exclusion, misinformation, conflict, and fear, especially when those experiences are already present in a child’s life. But it can also amplify connection, creativity, learning, and belonging.
For some children, especially those who feel different or isolated in their local communities, digital spaces may offer access to friendships, shared interests, identity exploration, and communities where they finally feel understood. That’s why it’s so important to look beyond the device itself and ask what the child is actually doing online, what needs it’s meeting, and how it’s affecting their life.
The more useful question may not be, “Are phones good or bad?” A better question is, “What is this particular child doing online, and what role is it playing in their life?” We can’t answer that without becoming curious about the individual child in front of us.
Beware of Universal Conclusions
Dr. Greene also offered a caution that seems increasingly important. We’re living in a time when dramatic claims can spread quickly, often before the research has caught up. People become frightened, sweeping conclusions are drawn, and broad policies are introduced.
Only later do we begin to appreciate the nuance, limitations, and individual differences. Very little applies to every child. What’s harmful or helpful can vary tremendously from one child to another.
One child may become dysregulated, isolated, or sleep-deprived because of their online activity. Another may use the same device to create art, talk with a trusted friend, learn about a special interest, or find a community where they finally feel understood. Most children probably experience some combination of benefit and risk.
This doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t have expectations around technology. It means those expectations should be grounded in the actual child in front of us, not only in frightening headlines or universal rules. We need to understand what’s happening before deciding what should happen next.
From Control to Collaboration
When children are struggling with technology, adults often respond by tightening control. We confiscate the phone, disable the app, change the password, or issue consequences. Sometimes immediate limits are necessary, particularly when there’s a clear safety concern.
But when the same conflict keeps happening, more control often produces more secrecy, resentment, and power struggles. It doesn’t necessarily create greater wisdom, trust, or self-regulation. In fact, it can make it harder for children to tell us what’s really happening.
Look at the Whole Child
Perhaps the most important message from the conference was that when a child is struggling, we should resist the urge to find one simple explanation. It may be social media, academic pressure, fear of violence, or loneliness. It may also be sensory overload, family stress, discrimination, a lack of autonomy, or the exhausting experience of moving through environments that don’t understand their nervous system.
Most often, it isn’t just one thing. It’s an accumulation of things. That means one universal intervention is unlikely to address what every child needs.
Our task isn’t to panic or impose the same solution on every family. Our task is to remain curious about what’s happening for this child, what needs are being met, and what’s making life harder. We also need to ask where they feel safe, capable, connected, and understood.
Phones deserve our thoughtful attention. But if we make them the entire story, we may overlook the much larger world our children are trying to navigate. We may also miss the relationships, community, safety, autonomy, and collaboration they need in order to thrive.
When Your Family Needs Help Moving Beyond the Power Struggle
If conversations about phones, school, routines, behavior, or other expectations have turned into recurring battles, your family doesn’t have to stay trapped in the same cycle. Collaborative & Proactive Solutions can help parents move beyond rewards, consequences, and escalating control so they can understand what’s getting in the way and solve problems with their child.
All of the clinicians at Asheville Family Counseling are trained in the CPS model and work with children, teens, and families to uncover the concerns beneath challenging behavior. Together, we can help your family reduce conflict, strengthen trust, and develop solutions that are both realistic and responsive to you and your child’s concerns.
* * *
Click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call.
We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
