A mom recently shared something with me that so many parents will recognize. She was responsible for caring for her two young children while her husband worked long hours. There was no nanny, no familiar support system, and no real break. Just her, a baby, and a strong-willed preschooler in a park where it seemed like everyone else had two available parents and endless patience.
By the time she came home, she was depleted. Her older child had been fighting naps, resisting bedtime, waking the baby, being too rough with the baby, and melting down over what seemed like everything. This mom, who loves her children deeply, found herself feeling scared by her own anger. She said something like, “Intellectually, I know she’s overwhelmed. But in the moment, I just say to her, ‘You can’t act this way.’ And then we both spiral.”
That is the moment I want to talk about, because most of us have been taught to see that moment through the lens of defiance. We think, “She won’t listen,” “She knows better,” “She’s doing it on purpose,” or “She’s defying my authority.” But what if we used a different lens? What if it wasn’t defiance, but dysregulation?
That one shift changes everything. It doesn’t mean the behavior is okay, and it doesn’t mean a child can hurt a sibling. But it does mean we stop treating the behavior as the problem. Instead, we start asking, “What is this behavior telling us?”
In the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model, developed by Dr. Ross Greene, the core belief is: Kids do well if they can. Not kids do well if they want to. Not kids do well if they are motivated enough. Not kids do well if the consequence is big enough. Kids do well if they can.
So when a child isn’t doing well, our job isn’t to assume they are choosing poorly. Our job is to figure out what is getting in the way. For many children – especially neurodivergent children, highly sensitive children, anxious children, and PDA-leaning children – what looks like “won’t” is often “can’t.” And when we really believe that, we stop pushing harder and start getting curious.
A child who “won’t” nap may actually be having difficulty stopping what she is doing, separating from connection, tolerating boredom, or settling her nervous system. A child who “won’t” be gentle with the baby may actually lack the body awareness, impulse control, or developmental capacity to express love safely. A child who “won’t” leave the house may be overwhelmed by transitions, uncertainty, sensory demands, or the pressure of being hurried. A child who “won’t” listen may be past the point where language is accessible.
When we see “won’t,” we tend to push harder. When we see “can’t,” we get curious. And curiosity is where change begins. One of the most useful phrases a parent can practice is: “I’ve noticed…”
“I’ve noticed naptime has been really hard lately.” “I’ve noticed it’s hard to stop playing when it’s time to rest.” “I’ve noticed your body gets really excited around the baby and it’s hard to be gentle.” This language matters because it is non-blaming. It communicates, “I am not here to control you. I’m here to understand what’s hard.”
From there, we can ask, “What’s up?” or “What’s making that hard?” And then we can move into one of my favorite collaborative phrases: “I wonder if there’s a way…” I wonder if there’s a way for your body to get rest and your brain to still have something interesting to listen to. I wonder if there’s a way for you to be close to the baby while we also keep her body safe.
This is the heart of Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. We identify the unsolved problem, understand the child’s concern, share the adult concern, and then work together on a solution that addresses both. This is not a parent-imposed solution dressed up in nicer words. It is a real solution that makes life work better for everyone.
For example, the adult concern might be, “The baby needs to be safe.” The child’s concern might be, “I love her and want to play with her.” The solution isn’t simply, “Stop touching the baby.” That may be necessary in the moment for safety, but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem.
A better problem-solving conversation might sound like this: “I’ve noticed you love your baby sister so much, and sometimes your body gets really big around her. The hard part is that she can get hurt. I wonder if there’s a way you can be close to her and play with her while we also keep her body safe.” Then we experiment together.
Maybe the child gets a specific “baby helper” job. Maybe there is a supervised rough-and-tumble alternative with pillows. Maybe the child practices “gentle hands” when everyone is calm. Maybe the older child needs more connection, more stimulation, or more help with boredom.
The point is not to find the perfect solution immediately. The point is to stop treating the child as the problem. The problem is the problem. And the problem is usually much more specific than “she’s defiant.”
It might be: “She is having difficulty stopping play to rest.” It might be: “She is having difficulty keeping her body gentle around the baby.” It might be: “She is having difficulty tolerating transitions.” Once we define the problem this way, we finally have something workable.
This shift also gives parents something they desperately need: compassion for themselves. Because when children are dysregulated, parents often become dysregulated too. That mom I mentioned earlier was not a bad mom because she felt angry. She was an overwhelmed nervous system responding to another overwhelmed nervous system.
That is what happens in families. A child goes into fight, flight, freeze, or collapse, and then the parent’s nervous system reacts too. Suddenly everyone is outside their window of tolerance. What started as a nap struggle, bedtime struggle, or sibling safety issue becomes a full-blown power struggle.
This is why I tell parents that the work is not to become endlessly calm or perfectly regulated. The work is to notice what is happening sooner. To pause when you can. To repair when you can’t.
Repair might sound like, “That got really hard. I didn’t like how I handled it. I’m sorry. I want us to figure out what made that so hard.” Repair is not permissiveness. Repair is leadership. It shows your child that hard moments can become learning moments once everyone is regulated again.
Collaborative problem solving is not giving in. It is teaching. It teaches children to understand their own nervous systems, recognize that their concerns matter, and understand that other people’s concerns matter too. It builds flexibility, perspective-taking, communication, and problem-solving through relationship rather than pressure.
So the next time your child is melting down, refusing, resisting, arguing, avoiding, or escalating, try gently placing this thought above your own head: Don’t call it defiance. Call it dysregulation. Then ask yourself: What is hard for my child right now? What skill or support is missing? What demand might be too big?
You can also ask: What concern is my child trying to solve in a way that is not working? What is my concern? And is there a way we can solve this together? Not perfectly. Not instantly. But differently.
And sometimes differently is exactly where healing begins.
If this way of thinking resonates with you, I created The Defiance Decoder to help parents begin shifting from “What is wrong with my child?” to “What is getting in the way?” You can find it here.
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