In the past two posts I explored the gazelle collapse and the difference between criticism and primary anger. Both of those reflections focused mostly on the experience of the person who ends up carrying too much in a relationship. But there’s another side to this dynamic that’s worth understanding with compassion. In today’s language, it’s often described as underfunctioning in response to a partner’s overfunctioning.
This is exactly the question I brought into supervision recently. I thought the work I needed to do was learning how to help my clients express anger and frustration without sounding critical or blaming. As often happens in supervision, the conversation quickly circled back to my own experience. The situation I described helped illuminate something important about how anger works.
In the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) framework, anger is often considered a secondary emotion. This means that anger frequently shows up as a protector response when more vulnerable emotions are activated underneath. When someone feels scared, hurt, rejected, or alone, anger can step forward to defend against those painful feelings. From the outside it may look like anger is the main issue, but underneath there’s always something more tender.
When anger shows up this way, it often takes the form of criticism. Criticism is what anger sounds like when it’s filtered through frustration and defensiveness. It may come out as statements like, “You never listen,” or “You don’t care about me at all.” Even when the concern underneath is valid, criticism tends to trigger defensiveness in the other person.
Most couples recognize this pattern immediately.
One partner expresses frustration in a critical way, and the other partner feels attacked and becomes defensive. The conversation quickly turns into a cycle where both people are protecting themselves rather than understanding each other. The original concern that needed attention gets lost in the escalation.
In supervision, my supervisor Lori offered a framework she’s developing that helped me think about anger in a different way. She described something she calls primary anger, which she understands as a kind of protective protest. Rather than being defensive, this kind of anger emerges when someone is protecting a boundary around what they will and will not tolerate.
Primary anger doesn’t attack the other person’s character. Instead, it communicates the impact of a behavior and makes a clear statement about self-protection. The tone shifts from telling the other person what they should or should not do to expressing what is not acceptable and how we’ll take care of ourselves.
For example, criticism might sound like this. “You shouldn’t talk to me that way.” Primary anger sounds different. It might sound like, “When you speak to me that way, I feel dismissed and disrespected. I’m going to step away from the conversation until you can speak to me with calm, curiosity, and compassion.”
This distinction is subtle and powerful. Criticism tries to control the other person’s behavior and often escalates conflict. Primary anger focuses on protecting one’s own well-being and clearly naming a boundary. It communicates both the emotional impact and the action someone will take to care for themselves.
When people learn to express anger in this way, something important changes in the conversation. The anger is still present, but it’s no longer attacking or shaming the other person. Instead, it becomes a clear signal that something meaningful needs attention. It invites accountability without escalating the cycle of defensiveness.
Of course, learning to express anger this way takes practice. When frustration has been building for a long time, it’s understandable that criticism comes out first. Slowing down and noticing what’s happening underneath the anger can help people reconnect with the deeper feelings involved.
Often those deeper emotions include fear, sadness, or the longing to feel supported again. When those feelings are acknowledged, anger can shift from defensive criticism to protective protest. Instead of escalating conflict, it begins to create clarity about what matters and what needs to change.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, you’re not alone. Most couples fall into cycles of criticism and defensiveness without understanding the vulnerable emotions underneath them. With the right support, these patterns can begin to shift toward more honest and constructive conversations.
At Asheville Family Counseling, our team works with individuals and couples who are navigating these exact dynamics. Therapy can provide a space where anger, vulnerability, and boundaries can be explored in ways that strengthen relationships rather than erode them. If you’re curious about working with one of our counselors, we would be honored to walk alongside you.
* * *
Click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call.
We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
