Lately I’ve been noticing something shifting in me that feels both subtle and profound. It’s not a dramatic, overnight change, but more of a quiet reorganization happening from the inside out. The way I experience anger, in particular, is beginning to feel different. And that difference is changing how I show up in my relationship with my husband, Doug.
For most of my life, anger has either come out sideways as criticism or been suppressed because I thought that’s what I had to do to stay connected to the people I care about. As I deepen my work, both personally and professionally, I’m beginning to experience anger in a new way. I’m starting to feel it as something that can actually support me and my closest relationships. It’s beginning to energize boundaries and activate a more secure way of relating.
One of the most meaningful shifts I’ve been tracking is how I respond when my nervous system gets activated in my relationship with Doug. Historically when something stressful happened, especially around money, my system would immediately go to, Everything depends on me. I have to figure this out. That belief lives deep in my body and has been with me for a long time. It comes from an early attachment experience of being a child who had to step in to take care of the adults around me.
Recently something happened that helped me see this pattern more clearly. Last week I talked about how when I learned that we owed more taxes than I had anticipated, I had the same nervous system overwhelm but I responded differently. Instead of moving straight into problem solving, I paused and let myself feel what was happening inside. The anger came up quickly but this time it didn’t turn into criticism.
What I noticed was that the anger carried a clear message. It said this isn’t mine to carry alone. That message felt different from the old pattern of taking over and fixing everything. Instead of overfunctioning, I allowed space for something else to happen. And in that space, Doug figured it out.
That moment has stayed with me because it challenged something very old in my nervous system. The long-held belief that no one is coming to help softened, even if just a little. In its place, there was a new possibility that we could figure things out together. That shift may seem small on the surface, but it felt deeply meaningful in my body.
This is where the work of Diane Poole Heller has been so helpful to me. She talks about feeding secure attachment by intentionally noticing and taking in moments when we are supported. These moments are often small and easy to overlook. But when we let them land, they begin to rewire the nervous system from the inside out.
I can feel myself practicing that now in real time. Instead of dismissing what happened as just logistics, I’m slowing down and letting it matter. Doug figured it out, and I didn’t have to do it alone. My system needs repetition of that truth before it can fully trust it, but this feels like an important beginning.
That idea of repetition connects closely with how I understand this work through an Internal Family Systems lens. In IFS, we talk about parts that carry different roles and beliefs. There is a part of me that overfunctions, a part that feels unappreciated, and a part that fears everything will fall apart if I don’t manage everything. These parts developed for very good reasons, but they don’t serve me now.
What I’m noticing is that when I can stay connected to what IFS calls Self, I have more choice. Self feels grounded, calm, and clear, even when other parts are activated. From that place, I can listen to the overfunctioning part without letting it take over. I can validate its fear and still choose a different response.
This is where anger becomes incredibly important in the process. Without access to anger, I don’t think I would be able to interrupt the pattern. The anger gives me the energy to say I’m not going to take this on. It allows me to tolerate the discomfort of not fixing things immediately.
In that way, anger isn’t the problem that needs to be managed or made wrong. It’s part of the solution when it’s connected to Self. It becomes clean and directional instead of reactive and harmful. It helps me move toward something more secure rather than away from connection.
What I’m learning is that personal and relational growth doesn’t mean the old patterns disappear. I can still feel the pull to overfunction and take care of everything. That impulse is still very familiar and very strong at times. But now there is another option available to me.
There is a growing capacity to pause, to feel what is happening, and to set a boundary without losing connection. There’s also a growing trust that I’m not alone in figuring things out. That trust is still fragile, but it’s starting to take root. And for now, that feels like enough.
Many couples find themselves stuck in patterns where one partner overfunctions and the other underfunctions. These patterns can feel frustrating and entrenched, but they’re also deeply workable. When both partners are willing to see the system and shift their roles, meaningful change becomes possible.
This is exactly the kind of work we focus on in Couples Counseling Intensives. Intensives give us the time and structure to slow everything down and understand what is really happening underneath the surface. We work together to identify the patterns, access the underlying emotions, and create new ways of responding to each other. The goal isn’t just insight, but lasting change in how you experience each other day to day.
If you’re ready to stop carrying so much on your own and begin creating a more balanced and secure relationship, I would love to support you.
You can learn more or schedule an Exploratory Session here.
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