By Sam Korthof, LCMHC-A – Counselor at Asheville Family Counseling
One of the things I love most about my work as a therapist is getting to walk alongside members of the LGBTQ+ community as they navigate some of the deepest, most personal parts of their lives. It’s a privilege I don’t take lightly, and it’s a population I’m passionate about serving. But I also want to be transparent: this topic isn’t just professional for me. It’s personal.
I identify as pansexual (or someone who is attracted to people regardless of their gender), and the first person I really came out to was my then-husband and best friend, at age 26. I remember elaborating on it as I sat across from him at our kitchen table. It wasn’t as if I’d suddenly fallen in love with a woman, more that I had finally found the words to describe my experience. I had always been attracted to women, and had repeatedly intense “friendships” in my youth. However, confused by these feelings and with no guidance on the matter, I leaned towards the relationships that did have representation and plenty of guidance: relationships with men.
I presented the news casually, as if I had just learned that I was 25% Irish. I didn’t want our lives to change, I just wanted him to know me better. He was loving and supportive, and we went on with life as planned. It wasn’t until later, when I discovered polyamory, that we would have a much more challenging conversation… but that’s a topic for another blog post.
If you’ve assumed that most people figure out they’re queer when they’re young—maybe in high school or early college– you would be right. According to a 2024 Gallup poll, 57% of LGBTQ+ individuals came out before the age of 22. However, there’s more to the story. About 18% haven’t come out to anyone at all. That leaves roughly a quarter of us who, like me, didn’t come out until our late 20s, 30s, 40s, or even later. (This poll did not specifically account for transgender folks, though I would love to see that poll too, because guess who also came out as non-binary even later in life… this person!)
So why does it take so long? For many of us, it wasn’t as simple as coming out as soon as we realized it. Sometimes the environment we grew up in made coming out seem like it would ruin everything. It may have even led to outright violence. These overt and covert rejections can come from so many directions—family, friends, cultural communities, spiritual communities. When the cost of being honest feels too high, silence becomes the safer choice, and that’s not a failure. It’s survival.
For others, like me, the issue wasn’t fear—it was a lack of language. If you’ve never seen anyone like you, never heard a word that captures what you’re feeling, it’s incredibly hard to put a name to your experience. This is especially true for bisexual individuals, who are often invisible even within LGBTQ+ spaces.
And sometimes, honestly, we just weren’t ready. Identity isn’t always a lightning bolt moment. For some of us, it’s a slow unfolding—a quiet knowing that takes years to fully trust. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But here’s the thing nobody warns you about: when you come out later in life, it can feel like you’re playing catch-up, especially if you’re starting to date. Everyone in your dating pool seems to have a history and confidence with queerness that you just don’t have yet. And then there’s the intense thrill of finally acting on long held desires– getting that gender affirming care you’ve wanted for ages, or exploring queer intimacy for the first time. It’s almost like a second puberty, and there can be some growing pains.
And underneath that, there can be a quiet jealousy—toward people who had a safe space to come out young, toward those who had a parent, a friend, a teacher who helped them discover and name their queerness early on. It’s okay to grieve that. You deserved that too.
For bisexual people, there’s an added layer. On top of all of this, there’s often a feeling that you have to prove your queerness—that you’re not queer enough because your experience doesn’t fit a certain mold. You may be in a “straight-passing” relationship, and struggle to feel seen in the fullness of your identity.
Here’s the good news: queerness isn’t about how long you’ve known, how many experiences you’ve had, or how loudly you’ve lived your identity. At its core, queerness is about authenticity. It’s about being honest with yourself and the world about who you truly are. And if you’re reading this blog post, asking yourself “Am I queer enough?”—the answer is yes. You are.
Learning to love, accept, and fully express your unique beauty isn’t something you do once and check off a list. It’s a lifelong skill—one worth cultivating, worth exploring, and worth getting support with.
Interested in working with Sam?
If you’d like to explore your sexual or gender identities, or would like support coming out to your partner, working with Sam can help you love and express the person you’re becoming. Call or text to 828-761-3149 schedule a free, 15-minute Exploratory Call or click the link below.
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