He came into my office saying things were “mostly fine.” A few arguments here and there. Some silence at dinner. No big deal. But there was something he couldn’t put his finger on, a weariness in his body that said more than his words ever could.
When we slowed down and found the “weary” part, he remembered a moment from his childhood. He was six or seven years old. His mom had just come home from work and seemed exhausted. She hardly acknowledged him. He had drawn her a picture and brought it to her – a clear bid for connection. She glanced at it, asked him nothing about it, only gave him a small smile and told him to go play. He remembered that she didn’t even take it from his hands and how he crumpled it and threw it into the trash.
That one moment, seemingly insignificant, was enough to plant a story: “I’m not worthy of attention and care.” And that story didn’t stay in childhood. It followed him into adulthood. Into his marriage. Into the moments when he feels unseen, dismissed, and misunderstood. But instead of recognizing the wound and tending to it, he would just shut down because he didn’t know – had never been shown – how to do it differently.
We all have moments like that – times when we were left holding feelings that were too big for our little bodies. Times when we decided, consciously or not, that it was safer to stay small, silent, helpful, or invisible than to risk feeling rejected or abandoned again. But those parts stay locked in that past and our job now as adults is to meet them and integrate them into the present.
In counseling we can see that our core wounds are not signs that something is wrong with us. They’re invitations to look inward. To become aware of the old beliefs and protective parts that still shape how we show up in relationships today.
In fact, the most common responses I see when those parts get activated aren’t conscious at all. They live in the body.
There’s the part that chases – pursues connection with urgency, even if it means picking a fight, because any attention feels better than none.
There’s the part that flees – already halfway out the door at the first sign of tension, convinced it’s safer to escape than to stay and be hurt again.
There’s the part that freezes – goes quiet and still, hoping the storm will pass if it just stays out of the way.
And there’s the part that fawns – becomes overly accommodating, caretaking, and pleasing in hopes of earning love and safety.
These responses are not weaknesses. They’re survival strategies. They were once brilliant adaptations to environments where your emotional needs were too much for your caregivers to meet. Maybe your parents were too stressed, too sad, too preoccupied. So you became the helper, the fixer, the one who kept the peace. And now, decades later, you might still be doing that – except now, it’s no longer adaptive. It’s eating away at you and keeping you from creating a life and love that you long for.
But here’s the good news: You don’t have to live in those old patterns. Healing is absolutely possible. It starts with the courage to turn inward – to listen to the parts of you that have been protecting you all this time and help them feel safe enough to soften.
That’s the work we do at Asheville Family Counseling. Whether you’re carrying old wounds that impact your current relationship, or you’re ready to break free from the patterns that keep you stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or self-doubt – we’re here.
We help you slow down, get clear, and reconnect with your true self so that you can bring that grounded, loving presence back to yourself and your most important relationships.
* * *
Click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call.
We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
