When couples come to me feeling disconnected, they’re usually caught in what I call solution confusion.
One partner might say, “If we just lived together again, I’d feel connected.”
The other might respond, “I can’t even imagine living together. I don’t trust you enough yet.”
This exact dynamic showed up recently with a couple I’ve worked with – let’s call them Marlon and Carol. They came to me for a Couples Counseling Intensive after separating four months earlier following a huge rupture.
Now, they’re exploring whether enough repair is possible to continue doing the hard, vulnerable work required to address their ancient attachment wounds – and ultimately, to see if trust, comfort, and safety could once again be found in their relationship.
Marlon believed that moving back in together was the answer to everything. For him, physical proximity = emotional connection. But Carol wasn’t there yet. For her, the lack of trust was still very real. She needed more emotional safety before she could imagine sharing a home again.
So, how do you solve a problem like feeling emotionally disconnected—especially when your solution isn’t your partner’s?
Here’s what we did.
Step 1: Name the actual problem.
Instead of trying to solve for living arrangements, we backed up and asked:
“What’s the real need underneath the push-pull?”
The answer for both of them: We want to feel more emotionally connected.
Not “when will we move in together?”
Not “how do we fix everything right now?”
Just: How can we feel more emotionally connected in the relationship we have today?
Step 2: Use the Collaborative Solutions Framework.
Together, we worked through these questions:
- What’s the shared need? Both Marlon and Carol longed for emotional safety and connection.
- What would help meet that need – realistically and mutually satisfactorily? Marlon felt more connected through consistent communication and physical closeness. Carol needed times of connection without pressure or urgency.
- What’s the next step – not the forever step? They agreed to take a short trip together and continue weekly check-ins, rather than rush toward cohabitation.
Step 3: Measure what matters – together.
Here’s where the shift became real. I invited them to use a simple tool from my Repair Your Relationships book called the Comfort and Trust Scale.
Each week, they’ll rate how connected, safe, and emotionally attuned they feel on a scale from 1 to 10.
When we first tried it, Marlon gave the relationship a 4. Carol gave it a 4.7 (yes, she used a decimal – she’s precise like that). And then they did the most important thing: they shared why it was a 4 or 4.7 instead of a 1 or 2.
Because of course, hearing a “low” number hurts. It’s not what anyone wants.
But it’s also real. And here’s the thing – it could be lower. The fact that it wasn’t said something important.
Marlon shared, “When you open up, even just a little, I trust you more. I feel closer.”
Carol said, “When you don’t assume what I feel but ask me instead, I feel safer with you.”
They weren’t just rating their connection. They were building it.
The takeaway?
If you and your partner are stuck trying to solve something big – Should we break up? Should we stay together? pause and ask:
How can we feel more emotionally connected right now?
From there, take one small, co-created step that’s:
- Realistic
- Mutually satisfactory
- And emotionally safe
And if you’re ready to move from disconnection to clarity, I’d love to support you, just like I did Marlon and Carol, in a Couples Counseling Intensive. You can find out more here.
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Click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call.
We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.
