Today, I want to discuss something that is happening moment by moment in our lives, whether we like it or not: change.
As a mental health counselor, I’ve noticed that all of my clients seek some kind of change in their lives, especially in their personal relationships. I strive to help them reconcile what Carl Rogers, the founder of Person-Centered Counseling, called the “curious paradox”—the idea that people must first truly accept themselves before they can change.
Before Rogers, psychology was dominated by Freudian theories, which were very “doctor-centered,” operating under the premise that the doctor knows best. Rogers revolutionized this by championing the idea that the individual is the expert in their own life. He emphasized the importance of self-acceptance as a precursor to genuine change.
I think mindfulness can help us resolve this paradox. Practicing mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment with non-judgment and kindness. While the present moment is constantly changing, focusing your energy on the positive changes you want to see in your relationships can make things a lot easier.
Three mindfulness concepts—beginner’s mind, non-judgment, and kindness—are particularly helpful when it comes to embracing change and improving your life. Let’s break these down.
Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind highlights the idea that every moment is completely brand new. By treating each moment as if you’ve never experienced it before, you can shed any expectations or judgments based on previous experiences.
For instance, if you’re spending time with your partner, approaching the interaction with a beginner’s mind means letting go of any past conflicts or misunderstandings. You’re free to take each moment as it comes, listening to your partner, noticing how you feel when you’re with them, and maybe even enjoying the time together more than you would without the pressure of expectation. You can relax and live in the now.
Non-Judgment
Non-judgment speaks to the idea of noticing and seeing things just as they are in the present. It doesn’t mean that you have to like what’s present, but in order for the change you want to occur, you have to accept what’s currently present and not let your disappointment keep you from moving forward.
For example, you may not like the current state of communication in your relationship, but for it to improve, you have to accept it as it is now. If you don’t, you may be so filled with resentment, frustration, or anger that you miss what you need to do to improve communication.
By acknowledging strong emotions, accepting the current state of communication, and not letting emotions cloud your behavior, you can gain clarity on the steps needed for improvement.
Kindness
Once we set our goals or identify the changes we want to see in our relationships, it’s tempting to only focus on achieving them. The concept of kindness suggests setting your goals gently, letting a sense of urgency go, and bringing your focus to the journey, because it’s the journey that’s happening right now.
You’ve probably noticed that I often use sports as a metaphor—in this case the goal is to win the championship, but the journey begins with the first preseason workout, then the first preseason scrimmage, then the first play of the first game of the regular season, and so on.
This doesn’t mean you forget about your goal. It can be beneficial to revisit it regularly for inspiration and motivation, and then gently let it go, bringing your attention back to the present moment.
Sustainable Change
Embracing these mindfulness concepts helps accomplish sustainable change, meaning change that’s going to last. Again and again I’ve found that truly improving personal relationships requires embracing change with mindfulness and an open heart.
As you navigate the continuous flow of change in your life, please remember to practice mindfulness. By adopting a beginner’s mind, practicing non-judgment, and approaching your goals with kindness, you can foster positive changes in your relationships and, ultimately, your lives.
If you’d like help with this, just reach out!
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