As a mental health counselor I often hear parents complain about what they call teen screen addiction. Yes, it has become increasingly common to see teenagers engrossed in their screens, losing track of time, and possibly neglecting other important aspects of their lives.
But as concerns about teen dependence on screens and gaming continue to rise, it’s crucial to understand what’s underlying this behavior.
Drawing on the work of renowned physician and addiction expert, Dr. Gabor Maté, I want to share the idea that addiction is an attachment disorder, which I think help sheds light on why teens may develop dependencies on screens and gaming.
Understanding Addiction as an Attachment Disorder
Addiction is often thought of as a result of poor self-control or a simple lack of willpower. I share Maté’s definition of addiction, which is “any behavior that gives you temporary relief or temporary pleasure, but in the long term causes harm, has some negative consequences, and you can’t give it up, despite those negative consequences.”
Further, according to Dr. Gabor Maté, addiction should be viewed as an attachment disorder rooted in early childhood experiences. Attachment theory suggests that healthy attachment to caregivers during early development is crucial for emotional well-being and the formation of secure sense of self and positive relationships later in life.
The theory goes that when children lack consistent and nurturing attachments during their formative years, they may develop an inability to feel safe in nor soothed by relationships and this inability will persist into adolescence and adulthood. These individuals then seek to feel safe or soothed, not in relationships, but from external sources, such as substances or behaviors, such as screen time and gaming.
Teen Addiction to Screens and Gaming
Screens and gaming are a readily available means of escape for teenagers. Virtual worlds, social media platforms, and online gaming communities provides a sense of belonging, entertainment, and temporary relief from underlying emotional pain or feelings of disconnection.
Screens and gaming can also offer a sense of control and mastery, reinforcing the attachment to these activities. They can become a refuge for teens who feel isolated, anxious, or lacking in self-esteem, providing a sense of identity, purpose, and social interaction that may be missing in their offline lives.
Addressing Teen Addiction to Screens and Gaming
Recognizing addiction as an attachment disorder presents a paradigm shift in how we approach the treatment and prevention of teen screen and gaming addiction.
What do most adult caregivers do? They focus on eliminating or restricting screen time. What is that likely to do? Create a power struggle with your kid. What is it unlikely to do? Solve the underlying attachment disorder.
Therefore, it’s of paramount importance that we work on our relationship with our child while we’re solving the problem with our child. And how do we do that?
Using the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model can be an effective approach in addressing your concerns about your child’s use of screens. The CPS model emphasizes empathy, collaboration, listening, and respect, which helps to build and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
How the CPS model can address concerns about screen use
Step 1: The Empathy Step. During the Empathy Step, you’re asking your child help you understand what’s making it difficult for them to meet a positive expectation you have for their behavior. It’s important to be specific about the details of the unsolved problem while being vague about the behavior itself. For example, you don’t focus on how much time your child is watching TikTok videos. Instead the unsolved problem could be framed as “Difficulty taking the dog for a walk on Monday after school.” So you say, “Hey, I noticed you had difficulty taking the dog for a walk on Monday after school. What’s up? (Or what made that hard for you?)” This approach keeps the focus on the unmet positive expectation and avoids making the child defensive, allowing for a more productive conversation.
Step 2: Define Adult Concerns. In this step, you let your child know what your concern is regarding the unsolved problem. You want to focus your concern on one of four categories: Health, Safety, Learning, or Fairness. If the child is engaged in a preferred activity (such as playing a game on a screen) instead of the expected activity (walking the dog), your concern may be for the health of your dog (that s/he get adequate exercise and opportunities to eliminate).
Step 3: Collaborative Problem-Solving. Once both you and your child have gained a deeper understanding of the concerns involved, it’s time to work together to find a collaborative solution. The solution is only viable if it meets the concerns of both parties and is realistic and mutually satisfactory. This collaborative problem-solving approach ensures that both the parent and child have a voice in developing a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
There are quite a few nuances to this approach (I call it “simple but not easy”), and I go into it in great detail in the Repair Your Relationship program. It would be great for parents and their teens to go through the program together, over their summer break, and be empowered to overcome their challenges.
I hope what I’ve shared gives you a better understanding of addiction as an attachment disorder. When we view any concerning behavior through a compassionate lens, we shift our focus away from control. We foster stronger relationships. We meet their emotional needs. We share tools and support that teens need to solve the problems that affect their lives. This shift truly benefits everyone.
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