The secret to getting your child to behave can be found in the story of an African tribe. Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.’s most revolutionary acts were also founded on this principle and you can use it for getting your child to behave too.
Getting Your Child to Behave Starts with a Song
Over a decade ago I read a collection of Alice Walker’s essays (unfortunately I can’t remember the title – it was a very slim book, almost a chapbook) that shared a story that’s widely attributed to the African poet Tolba Phanem. It goes like this:
When a woman of the Himba African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes to the jungle with other women, and together they pray and meditate until they find The Song of the Child. When a child is born, the community gets together and they sing the child’s song.
There are many other significant milestones when people sing the song, and one of them is when a tribe member commits a crime. The person is taken to the center of town and the people of the community form a circle around him or her and sing their song.
The tribe recognizes that undesirable or unwanted behavior is best met not with punishment, but with love and a ritual that recalls the person to his true identity. They believe that when our own true song recalls us to ourselves, we have no desire or need to hurt anyone.
My guess is that you’ve had a similar experience in your own life. You’ve seen that your family or friends know your song—they know the essence that makes you you—and they help you get back to your essential self when you’ve forgotten it.
Remember Who They Really Are
They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you feel broken, your innocence when you feel guilty and your purpose when you feel hopeless.
Those who truly love you cannot be fooled by mistakes you’ve made or the dark images you’ve shown to others.
I find it truly amazing that a culture would meditate to find the song of a child that unfolds with his/her soul’s journey and then use it to bring the person back to their true identity when they feel most lost.
I have tears in my eyes as I write this. How special and unique that must make the child feel! How loved and treasured that would make anyone feel!
The Two Lessons
I see two lessons we can take from this story of the African tribe: 1. We must see someone who has made a mistake with the eyes of compassion. 2. We must help someone who is struggling by reminding them of their true identity.
Both these lessons require us to act from the deepest and most centered parts of ourselves. To meet anyone who has transgressed—either against us personally or against anyone else—with compassion and unconditional love, requires an enormous amount of work, but it is possible, and it’s so worth it.
Yes, children (like all people) can do things that are hurtful, and I’m in no way asking you to condone that hurtful behavior. But you can act to stop the behavior without anger or blame or threats of withholding love.
Think of Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr.
They were motivated to take action against great injustice, and there was no doubt that they felt morally outraged by it. But they never held any anger or negative judgment toward any one person.
They met people not at the level of mind/ego because they knew that a person who feels negatively judged will put up all kinds of resistance. They will become more defensive and obstinate, and there will be very little hope for positive transformation.
But when they met the transgressors at the level of the heart/spirit, they found that incredible, even miraculous, transformations were possible.
Love is what changes a child’s behaviors and love is where we need to keep our focus. Love – the kind that looks and feels like unconditional positive regard – is the secret.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I can help you enjoy a more loving, peaceful, and joy-filled relationship with your child.
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