Last post I talked about how, whether it’s a result of “Big T” trauma or a series of “small t” traumas, PTSD re-wires the brain so that it can respond quickly to threatening circumstances. The re-wiring that happens with PTSD comes at a high cost, however, because the brain’s stress response is now locked into perpetual overdrive.
Having experienced life-changing trauma before, the sensory areas of the brain are now re-wired to constantly monitor the environment for potential threats (and these could be real or imagined threats – the brain truly doesn’t know the difference at first). When something threat-like is detected, nerve impulses are then immediately routed to the amygdala, which is like the smoke detector of the brain.
Like the smoke detector in your home, it goes off whether the smoke is from a burnt piece of toast or a raging inferno in the basement. Once aroused, the amygdala generates the sensation of fear and signals the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol – which feels awful, like the worst panic attack you can imagine.
When the amygdala is triggered another process happens: the prefrontal cortex, that is responsible for rational thought and projecting the consequences of one’s actions, is also shut down. Essentially, the person has “flipped their lid”: the parts of the brain that are supposed to be in control are gone (temporarily) and there’s nothing to stop feelings from boiling over. If you’ve ever wondered how someone (or even yourself) could say or do something so stupid or harmful, it’s probably because this process had swung into action.
PTSD rewires the brain for constant vigilance
With PTSD, people are constantly scanning for danger even in everyday circumstances. Because of this hyper-vigilance, they have difficulty concentrating. They are very easily irritated and angered. They’ll treat their own friends and family as foes because, when triggered, they truly can’t discern the difference between the two.
Recovering from PTSD, however, is generally a long slow process, and again, not one that many understand or appreciate well. It’s completely understandable for friends and family to grow impatient, angry, and resentful after they continue to be hurt by the loved one’s PTSD-driven actions.
Unfortunately, the need of friends and family to protect themselves from the hurtful behavior ends up creating feelings of isolation and insecurity for the person with PTSD, and these feelings exacerbate and perpetuate the condition even further.
Help for PTSD-affected relationships
So what can be done when PTSD-affected relationships are seen as dangerous, yet the damage can only be healed in relationships?
The guiding principle of recovery is to restore power and control to the survivor, and the first task of recovery is to establish a feeling of safety. This task takes precedence over all others, for no other work can possibly succeed if safety has not been adequately secured. This initial stage may last days or years depending on the how chronic the abuse was.
Imagine feeling unsafe in your own body 24/7. Imagine feeling out of control of your thoughts and emotions at the slightest provocation. Imagine feeling unsafe in relation to other people, even people who you care about. It sounds like hell, doesn’t it?
And yet the experience of feeling completely alone and unsafe can be a daily experience for people with PTSD. And no one can establish a safe environment alone. The ability to develop a feeling of safety absolutely depends on family and friends digging deep and providing that safe environment for the survivor no matter what.
Good Boundaries Required
Here’s the thing: Relatives or close friends who want to help their loved one feel safe must expect to have their lives disrupted for some time. To be clear, this doesn’t mean they have to subject themselves to hurtful behavior. They can – and must – create and maintain the boundaries they need to feel safe, while also communicating love and support.
Here’s how: Respond to any hurtful behavior by saying (in person, on the phone, or through text or email), “I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry. I love you and I support you. It’s also not okay for you to say or do hurtful things to me. I need to take care of myself right now. I hope you’ll contact me again when you’re feeling better.”
People with PTSD often fear they are losing their minds, and some even feel that they have already lost themselves. The question of what is wrong with them has often become hopelessly ridden with judgment – from self-judgment and the judgments of others. Let’s try to help by creating a safe, secure base for them to find themselves.
Connection is what heals
Here’s another thing: in our society we so often want to “fix” a problem (or person). and if we can’t offer a fix we may feel ineffective and helpless. We’ll turn away from the problem (or person) because we really hate to feel ineffective and helpless.
So if you take away nothing else from this post, know this: Any particular response (related to “fixing it”) in the face of a crisis rarely makes something hard better, BUT connection always makes whatever it is better.
Connection is what fixes the problem. Connection is what heals.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call. We’ll discuss how we may be able to help you heal your trauma and enjoy more connection in your life.
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